Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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