Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
