so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
