Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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