I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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