I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
