I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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