So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
