So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
