Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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