I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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