THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
