I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
