I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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