i can't believe i had my finger in that
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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