dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
