So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
