Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
