I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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