Me too!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
