Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
