Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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