I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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