On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
