I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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