Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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