I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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