dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
