thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
