We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
