Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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