i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
