The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
soo... how was my night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
