i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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