dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
