It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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