I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize