On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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