whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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