a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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