He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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