Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
