I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
