He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
