life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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