There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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