here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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