Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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