Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
