well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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