The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
