I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
