Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
