I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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