I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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